I don't think I can do it...

Doin' Jack Shit Log: Day 5

I'm eating a big bowl of brown rice with soy milk, cinnamon, and agave...my hippie-I-have-a-gluten-sensitivity-and-seriously-need-more-fiber-don't-judge-me-biatchas breakfast...oh, and an apple tambien.

Tomorrow's my last day off on this long glorious string of days off...I don't know if I can go back...I won't! I WON'T GO BACK! But, I will.

So, I've been chatting with these guys online for a while now...let's call them Twing 1 and Twing 2...what? What did I say? No new guys on gay.com? Girl, you crazy, I don't know what you talkin' 'bout. She crazeh.

So, I actually met Twing 1 yesterday. He's cute but kinda goofy with a slight lisp and he has an extra old pair of chuck taylors like me. Total points for him. What? No, he doesn't have an old pair of granny boots also, bitch.

Sorry for the crazy dialogue but I miss the lunch crew so I have to fill in. It's how I cope.

As I was saying...We met for coffee yesterday and walked around San Pedro park...very nice. And, tonight he's coming over for dinner. I wonder if he's a good kisser.

Twing 2...recently broke up with his boyfriend a month ago...What? You're having deja vu? Why are you laying your head down on the table? Whateva.

So, he keeps asking me to come over late at night to "snuggle". But, I've never gone. There's a couple of things that are suspect.

1. He changed his Facebook status from "single" to "In a relationship, it's complicated"...sounds complicated to me...I asked him about it and he said the following, "I had to do it or my ex wouldn't have come to the intervention" INTERVENTION! What? I don't know where the sign is. Yes, I'll make one later and stop calling me Elizabeth.

2. Why does he want me to come over only late at night...and why doesn't he want to meet for coffee or something first. I think his boyfriend is gone for the day when he sends me those "snuggle calls".

Anyway, we made plans for tomorrow AFTERNOON and when I texted him this morning to confirm he said the following, "It would have to be late tonight". Hijole, ya me canse! Not to mention, I think his boyfriend or ex or whatever the case may be is a homocidal, twinkish, loser with a drug problem.

Oh yeah! You'll never guess... What? You were talking? Where are you going? Come back!

of Jewish Santas and Pastores in freezing temperatures...

I had a great time at Chris's over Christmas, I ate so much food! I was all empachado. We had tons of people there and children that were so cute and enchanted with the whole idea of Christmas. Muy nice.

Christmas Eve I went to a local shelter to throw a Christmas party for the residents...I went with members of my synagogue and the Rabbi played Santa. It was very interesting and as a matter of fact we made the evening news...they showed me singing Christmas carols...it was my bad side *mutters under his breath* Son of a bitch camera man.

I had a great time and I took "C" with me, he loved it. Although, I have to say his honking at the car in front of us at the shelter parking lot that turned out to be the Rabbi was priceless.

What else...tonight I went with my friend "M" to see Los Pastores at the San Jose mission. I'd never been to one but I thought it was very interesting. It's a play that reenacts an encounter with the devil and the shepards that went searching for Jesus on the night of his birth. It was outside so I froze my nuts off...we left at the intermission...the whole thing was in Spansh and "M" didn't understand a word of it.

Well, I'm off to bed...tomorrow's a big day...why? Because I get to sleep in and do jack shit all day long...by bitches.

No Day But Today....

I just finished watching Rent and I'm spent...I cried my eyes out. I love that musical. What I wouldn't give to see it on Broadway...I'd always remember it. Some day.

So I decided to send my brother some money. It wasn't much but it'll be enough to get him something to eat for a few days. When I talked to him this morning I could hear his teeth chattering and he said he was hungry. I don't care if he's lying and I don't care if he uses the money for beer...I had to do something. He's my brother and ultimately that means more to me than being chintzed out of 50 bucks.

He's okay for now...somehow he was able to get electricity going to the casita...don't ask me how.

So tomorrow is Christmas Eve and there's much to do! I'm headed to Chris's in the morning to help with the cooking for Christmas Day...then we're off to the SAMM Shelter to throw a Christmas party for the residents. It'll be great fun. We're going to arrive and start the party then after an hour or so, Santa is coming to drop off gifts! Who is Santa, you ask? None other than...that's right, you guessed it! The Rabbi!

I love it. A Rabbi bringing Christmas cheer to folks who would have otherwise had little or nothing for the holiday. I can't think of a better way to spend Christmas Eve.

I was almost tempted to pray for my brother. But, I didn't. Instead, I sent money and left the line of communication open. I let him know that I cared and that he could always call.

You know something? I want to go to Lamesa and make them all stop fighting. Then, I want to sit my family down in a warm dining room and serve a beautiful Christmas dinner and watch them eat and laugh and talk and be happy.

But, I can't do that.

SO, tomorrow, I'll go and spend Christmas Eve eating, laughing, playing, and singing with some one's brother, father, son, mother, sister, daughter, or partner...it's what I can do and it's a start.

Tikkun Olam - Hebrew for "To Repair the World". I hope I can make a dent in that endeavour before my life is out.

Calm down...

Okay, so I talked to my brother again last night and he agreed to stay in the casita that I own with my mother. It's not the best place and there are no utilities but at least he has a roof over his head.

I had time to think about it yesterday after I'd calmed down and I decided not to bring him to San Antonio...that was my plan. I want him to be okay but I don't think there's anything else I can do. I feel selfish saying it, but I have enough problems of my own and I don't have the wherewithal to fix anyone else's. I can barely keep up with my own life. Not to mention, I've tried several times in the past but to no avail.

Sounds like I'm trying to justify this to myself, doesn't it? It's a fucking shitty situation.

I hate this...

My big brother called me this afternoon to let me know that my mother kicked him out of the house. All of our relatives and friends have taken him in at one point or another in the past year and I've taken him in on three occasions...but it never works out. He's schizophrenic/ bipolar and has an alcohol problem. I thought about buying a bus ticket for him to come here (against my better judgement) but the closest bus station is 45 miles away in Big Spring. I suggested he stay in the house that I co-own with my mother until he can find something but he says it's in complete disrepair and he's afraid my mother will call the police and have him arrested.

So, he's spending the night in the Gazebo at North Park in Lamesa...the park where we used to have our church Easter picnics. It's going to be 38 degrees tonight and tomorrow it'll be 21...it's not right and I don't know what to do. It's Christmas and it's not right. I'll have to think of something.

Avatar oh Avatar....

I watched Avatar today with Gaymer...loved the movie. It totally is Dances With Wolves but with a pretty creative twist. I watched in 3D which was amazing...even though the 3D glasses kept sliding off my face because they were having to sit over my normal glasses...I wish they had those grandma terminator glasses that Chicken Little wears but for 3D.

And, I want to marry Sam Worthington for obvious reasons:

So, yesterday I had lunch with the ex. What he had for me was more stuff...specifically a wire that I need to make my speakers work. But, he forgot them at his apartment. It was a nice lunch and it was good to catch up with him. He's been working non stop because he's taking off a week to go to Denver to celebrate the new year there. And, that's about it. I told him about the farmer's market and how busy work has been...that was it.

I found that I was ready for the dinner to be over before he was and that I was slightly bored. He says he wants to get together again soon but I'm not going to call him...let him make the effort. He leaves to Austin in March, he said he found a cheap apartment in South Austin near the highway.

Our lives are taking such different paths, but he seems happy. And, I've really taken to this single thing and to all the new possibilities for my life. Still, I can't help but be a little sad about the whole thing. I'm sad but okay with it. Movin on....

Oh! I went to the Athiest party last night. I had a lot of fun and met some really fun people. "C" had a great time also and actually got a cute guy's number...the guy is supposedly str8 but I'm not buying it...I totally got the vibe from him. Not to mention, I got the stink eye from his mean looking Asian girlfriend. She didn't say much.

So many thoughts going through my head as a result of that party and from watching this movie...watch it ,bitches, and you'll see what I mean. I think people need to believe in something greater than themselves. I don't know what that is for me exactly. I do know what it isn't. The god of the bible is not my god. I don't believe he exists and if he did I certainly wouldn't worship him.

I'm still asking questions. I think I'll always have questions. Because I came out of the closet and was rejected by the religion in which I was raised, I was free to question everything. It's my right and I'll never give it up again.

"May I see your ID...

...because you look like a homeless person with that hair and I really don't think that's your debit card. By the way, I use Noxema also and don't you just love it?", said the gay cashier to me this afternoon at Wally World...not with his words but with his facial expressions. I swear it.

You be the judgmental judge:

Yeah, I was all dejada at The Farmer's Market and Wally World today...however, I'm going to fix myself up real nice for tonight's Festivus Party...I wonder if they'll let me take pictures. It's the first time I've gone to a meet up for this group, San Antonio Athiests. It's also for agnostics and free thinkers which sounds a bit vague to me but what the hell there'll be booze and a Festivus Pole and airing of grievances and feats of strength...which I'm sure will involve me being lifted by all the hot athiests.

The winner goes home with me.
Actually, I'm taking my friend C, the one with one arm and a bright future. So, technically he gets to go home with me.
I can't wait.
What else, what else...I think that's it...oh yeah
My ex called me the other day out of the blue and wanted to come over and catch up...I said we could have lunch out today instead...weird right? He said he had something I needed...could it be my fucking heart put back together, you cold son of a bitch? No, you say?
Something I need, something I need.....money? A sense of direction for my life? A new attitude? Milk? More Noxema (because you can never have enough)?
We'll see.
Oh, and I went out with the short electrician last night and had a great time...it was the bee's knees...we didn't make out or anything but I have dinner plans up my sleeve for the week after Christmas *rubs hands together ominously* mwuahahahaha! He's so damn cute and has such blue eyes and such blonde hair and such nice forearms...we've covered the forearm thing, right? Don't judge me.
I'll leave you with pictures of the glass blower and the drumming circle from the Farmer's Market...no pictures of actual veggies though. Go figure.

Wee little babeee....

I want a baby. I don't know that I want to raise children yet. But, I want a baby.

I want a baby like the one I got to hold this morning. All smiles and coos with brown almond eyes and hair like silk.

We had a family in today that really needed help and there were kids everywhere...well behaved kids who craved attention.

Which got me thinking about being a parent. I can't imagine what that's like. To look at another person's face and see yourself. My cousins have children and they say that it's a love they never felt before.

I can't imagine what it's like.

Will I ever raise children? Who knows. I certainly am not in a place to do that now....not by a long shot. I never thought I'd worry about time running out, but sometimes I feel that way.

Also, I'm amazed at how generous people are this year....we've collected more toys for our Christmas party than any year before! In this recession, puta! Today was a total feel good day for me :)

How to roast an Agnostic Mexijew...

leave the back burner of your gas stove on low, with no flame, for over 24 hrs.

This could have been so much worse...I don't really want to think about what would have happened if it had been on high...no more me, that's what.

I'm not ready for oblivion just yet. Not to mention, I'm not ready to take all of my neighbors with me.

Le Sigh....

I converted to Reform Judaism a year ago in February. I'm very happy with my decision. I'm also agnostic. I don't have enough to go on to say that I believe in God and I can't prove that he doesn't exist. I'm very much at peace with this for now...who knows what my life will teach me in the years to come.

I've written about a certain someone on this blog. I call him Smokey. Smokey and I had an instant rapport when we met and every date after that has been great...and he's a great kisser. A few days ago he called me and asked if I wanted to come over and hang out with him and his friends...I said, "of course!". Everything was going well. I liked his friends and they seemed to like me except for the bitchy queen. There's always one anytime the gays congregate.

Then he asks me to accompany him on the balcony while he smoked a cigarrette. Once we were outside and the door was closed he turned around and said, "I don't know what to do with you". He said he really liked me and that I was a great guy and that he felt torn about the fact that I didn't believe in Jesus as my personal Lord and Saviour. He was also afraid, that if we dated, I'd meet his father and say something about religion that would offend him.

Long story not so short, we called things off because I'm not a "believer". I'm an agnostic Jew who has a real beef with Evangelical Christianity. What can I say? I wonder if I should even mention this stuff during dates and if so, when? But the last thing I want is to wait too long, fall in love, and then be spurned for the reasons mentioned above.

What's a Jew to do?

By the way, I'm sooooo lusting after that box of Samoas that someone left in the break room. I'm pretty sure they like me back. I may have to commit cookie adultery.

Happy Hannukah and Shabbat Shalom!

I had a nice quiet night at home today. I forgot how nice it can be to spend the evening on my own. Since the breakup, I've been dreading doing just that almost every night.

Not tonight. Tonight, I lit my Hannukah and Shabbat candles, recited the kiddish, and recited the motzi...I went all out for Shabbat. I even bought a nice bottle of wine and had a glass while I ate my soup and watched "Billy Elliot"...love that movie and the kid's all grown up now...woof!

I'm all mellowed out. It's the candlelight, the wine, and freedom of spending my Friday evening how I damn well please. I think I'll read a little and head to bed now. I have a busy day tomorrow :) I'm hiking with Gaymer tomorrow morning at Eisenhauer Park, then I've got the JOTT (Jews On The Town) Hannukah Party in the evening and then a hot date with Smokey after that. I love it.

I've included a picture of my Hannukah/ Shabbat table for your enjoyment...also one of my new menorah. It's the first night of Hannukah so it's not fully lit. Hannukah oh Hannukah....

yum yum

Yay lentils with onion and sausage for dinner...so good. AND, I found The Book of Lost Things which I've been reading all day...may finish it tonight. :)

Of fruit flies and hot toddies...

which by the way kick ass...the hot toddies I mean. That shit hit me like a ton of bricks in the best way last night...and, turns out, I like whiskey. I guess I'm just manly like that.



Of course I could have had this hot toddy if the other one hadn't worked:

But it worked so I decided to pass....

Why the hot toddies? Because I have a cold from hell. You know I found that if you cry, you're sinuses clear up super fast. So, tonight I watched Broken Hearts Club (Zach Graff is one good looking Jew) and Big Fish. I cried my eyes out AND blew everything out of my nose but the kitchen sink.

Also, today I had lunch with Gaymer who I THOUGHT was a medical student but who is in fact working on getting a PhD in Bio Medical Engineering from the UTHSC. Anyway, so he is very tall and very cute...we had lunch at Cool Cafe. He's very laid back and calm. The breakdown:

1. Has never been to a gay club

2. Has a lot of Jewish friends

3. Has a very pretty smile and nice hands and forearms (I happen to look at a man's hands and forearms. Shut up.)

4. Works with fruit flies and has to dissect the larvae using microscopic scissors.

5. Is from Northern Louisiana

6. Wants to go out again on Tuesday to see The Road.

All in all I had a good time.

For the record, when I said I was going to slow down on the dating thing I meant looking for new guys...I'm still going to go out with these fellers...especially Gaymer and Smokey. I'm taking Smokey with me to the Alamo Draft House on Wed for the screening of the Glee Sectionals thingamajig. Then, after a Hannukah party at the Rabbi's house on Saturday, we're making an appearance at The Candlelight where I hope to run into the old ladies in drag, my goal being to take a picture with one of them which I will most assuredly post on this blog...I wonder if I have to tell her that?

Well, I'm off to rub vicks vapor rub on my nostrils and then go to bed. I hope I'm at the ass end of this cold. Although, I kinda like that I sound like Louise Jefferson...all raspy and smokey.

The envelope please....

*drum roll* and the snow goes to................everywhere else but San Antonio. I saw some flurries earlier but that was about it. No one believes me.





Now, the sun is out and has burned up my hopes for a snowy Friday. Well, Shit.





So last night I met another guy, we'll call him Smokey because he likes to smoke. Smokey is 6ft 2in tall :) He's very cute and has a infectious smile. He's very funny and sweet. We met at Sbux yesterday evening at 6:00 pm and talked until 11:00pm. I was there with him for 5 hrs and it felt like we'd only been there a little while. We have chemistry, he seems to be a really nice guy, he's good looking, and he's fun to talk to. However, some things I should take note of:





Our conversation turned candid pretty quickly. Next thing I knew I told him about my bipolar disorder and he told me about his drinking problem. Funny thing is, it wasn't awkward at all.



You know, amidst the dates and the chatting and the gushing and the having sex (once), I lost sight of the road I embarked upon when I broke up with Stephen. I decided that I wouldn't date and that I'd focus on getting my affairs in order so I could move on with my life already.



Oh the maze that is the mens, a girl could get lost if she's not careful. I have two dates left. Gaymer (6ft 4in med student) and Glamour Shot (30 yr old short hispanic that's kinda cute). After that I'm turning in the towel on dating for the time being.



I've been thinking about it since lunch...I really do have a lot, and I mean a lot, of shit to catch up on. Sometimes, I don't know where to begin. I guess getting rid of some distractions and making some lists is a start...

It's like a sauna in here...

Okay, it's been cold here in San Antonio. Don't laugh. It's true. We're big sissies when it comes to cold. Sometimes, though, it gets ridiculous.

Like today.

I walked into work this morning where I was met by a wall of heat. Turns out, someone turned the thermostat in the lobby up to 80.

80 fucking degrees. WTF?

So what, we have Amazon tree frogs on the payroll now?

Not only that, but we're in a recession, putas! I don't know who it was but when I find out I will do nothing. Because I'm already cooling down and it IS kinda of cold and snow is coming on Friday and I'm scared. That's why.

We live. We hope. We remember.

I just got back from the World AIDS Day service for San Antonio. I'm excited because this is the first time that San Antonio's faith community as well as other business and organizations have come together for one service. The mayor even made today an offical city holiday (yay, Mayor Castro!). How fucking awesome is that?

We got to hear from 8 different faith leaders in the community including a Muslim congregation, Unitarian Universalist Church, Temple Beth El (Yay, Rabbi Bergmann-Van), The Mennonite Church, The Pagan community, The Catholic Church, and The Metropolitan Community Church.

I held a candle for Jose and placed it with everyone else's candle. At the end, it made a red ribbon on the floor. The theme of the event was hope. One of the speakers said that hope is personified in each of us. I believe that. I think that, even in the face of this disease that we've been helpless to stop so far, we can refuse to forget and fight to keep hoping. We can assert our humanity even as it's threatened.

Last year, I wrote an article for the citizen journal project at WOAI about my friend Jose. I wrote toward the end of the article that AIDS killed Jose, but it never took his life. In the article I called him Nate...but I want to use his real name today. I want to remember Jose. Because he lived, I refuse to forget. Because he lived, I insist on hoping.

Oh Behave!

So, P finally shows up yesterday for dinner. We walked over to The Candlelight and had a nice dinner...the conversation was pretty slow going since all he does is work. He says he doesn't get out much. After a while, he told me that he was having a conversation with his employees trying to explain how it's possible for him to be a Catholic and a scientist....he works for a movie theater so I was a little confused. I figured maybe he went to school and did research there. No. He just "watches a lot of The History Channel and Discover". Which is whatever, I watch them also but I don't consider myself a scientist...but then he wanted to debate with me the existence of dragons and unicorns...we talked about it all the way home and while we sat on the couch watching TV. I thought to myself "I can't do this".

Just then, I got a text from a friend who wanted to me to join them back at the Candlelight. I told P that we should go back and he could meet my friends...He didn't want to go but said that I should go and then come back and wake him up with a little surprise. Yes, I know what you're going to say...but I went anyway. Note to self: Don't leave a trick at home with all your stuff ever again. For the record, everything was still here when I got back, including P, but still, in hindsight...not so smart. Don't judge me.

Anyway, so I had a great time at Candlelight. Then we went to a friend of a friend's house, very nice house, and had drinks and taquitos. I had a lovely time. By the time I was dropped off at home, I was a little buzzy...and we all know what happens when I get buzzy...

YEAH BABY! I've still got it...I was actually concerned there for a while...but not anymore.

So, today I think I'll go see Precious and cry my face off. Then, I'll cook something nice for dinner and chillax for the rest of the evening.

Incidentally, L never called me again...I thought for sure he was one of the sincere ones. Oh the crap shoot that is dating...keeps things interesting.

OH! And for the record, I don't think I'll see P again...he'll be the last trick I have over. From this point on, I'll date some guys and keep sex on the back burner...after the last couple of months of my relationship with Stephen I really felt like there was something wrong with me. I needed a little validation...it was a win win for both P and me.

A Walk in the Park....

Plans with P fell through for last night; he had a migraine. But, he's supposed to come by this evening around 7 at which time we'll walk to The Candlelight Coffee house for dinner. He's really, really, really interested in the sex. At first I was thrilled by it, but now it's beginning to annoy me. He's totally building it up and I think we're both going to be dissapointed. Especially him. The closer the time comes and the raunchier his texts get the more turned off I'm becoming. As a matter of fact, his last text (which I will not publish) was all about the sex he expects to have. So I responded that I don't think I have enough of a sexual appetite to have sex twice tonight and then again in the morning (his words) and that what I was looking most forward to dinner and conversation (which I suspect will run thin). Ya'll will be the second to know, I'll of course be the first.

As for Chicken, I met him at Joseph's as planned but he didn't eat anything...said he wasn't hungry. He mentioned that he wanted to talk about religion and politics when in reality he knew nothing of both...it seemed like one conversational dead end after the other. After lunch, we went for a walk at the Japanese Tea Garden and then Brackenridge Park. During the walk he livened up a bit and got more talkative. I think he was nervous. Still, the whole thing was so awkward that I doubt I'll see him again. As he was speaking the painfully obvious truth dawned on me. He's still a kid even if he is 20. And, I don't date kids. Other than the awkwardness though I enjoyed the day...so beautiful.

I hope I'm not turning into super date bitch and start sabotaging my dates....SABOTEUR! But, I think that this time around it would help to be a little pickier...not to mention in the two years I was with Stephen I changed...the same stuff that I used to like doesn't do anything for me anymore...

So, I'll have G rated details about P tomorrow. This weather is supposed to hold up through the day tomorrow so I plan on taking another outdoor excursion. Here are some pictures of the Japanese Tea Garden and Brackenridge Park:

I said to myself, "What monkeys?"

I hope everyone had a Happy Thanksgiving. I sure did. I ate lots of turkey and mashed potatoes and cranberry sauce...I did not, however, have any cornbread dressing this thanksgiving...only the second time in my life this has happened. May it be the last.

So, I volunteered at SAAF yesterday and passed out meals to the residents and out patients. I really enjoyed myself. The meal was prepared by MCC, that's the Metropolitan Community Church of San Antonio. I used to be a member. Not anymore.

There was so much love there, especially between the residents. Everyone ate until they were full and there was even enough left over for the out patients to take some home with them.

After that, I came home and picked up a little bit before I left to C's house. C's mother made most of the food, I took some pies and tamales (puro mexicano). While I was there, I got to meet C's sister in law. She was like a flat chested darker Brazilian version of Salma Hayek. It was great. I had a hard time understanding what she was saying but every once in a while she would mention monkeys...and how angry they made her....how lazy they were...I didn't understand.

At one point she walked out and C's mother proceeded to tell me that she's horribly racist and calls black people monkeys. I didn't know what to say...I just stared at C's mother with my mouth open. Just then, shen walked back in and I felt super awkward for the rest of the time she was there...luckily she left early.

Let's call her Brazilla. I have a feeling I'm going to see a whole lot of her now that I'm spending more time at C's house. What I don't understand is how C is very open minded, educated, and a great judge of character...and yet he loves her. Granted she's very nice to the family and even to me...then again none of us are black.

So she brought flan which looked sooo good but I couldn't bring myself to eat it. I didn't want to eat hate.

After she left we cleaned up and then C and I went for a long walk with Buster, his American Bull Dog...I love this dog and he loves me. I should have taken his picture. This dog makes me feel very loved :) After the walk, we watched an episode of MASH and then Fried Green Tomaotes....one of my favorite movies. Then, I went home.

Wait, this just in: Hot Bottom Man of Irish Descent with piercing green eyes reconnects with R when he sees his relationship status on gay.com.

It's true. Some background: I met Hot Bottom Man of Irish Descent (P for short) after my first break up with D, then again during the second break up. We had great sex. Now, he wants to meet for coffee today when he gets off of work...and I'm sooo going to meet him. I think this might be the typhoon that breaks the dry spell. If I remember correctly he's about 25 by now.

Wish me luck.

Happy Thanksgiving, Biatchas!

You thought you were home free...

Not so much. I have to post this because it's what I feel. Yesterday I had some time between my shopping and my counseling session so I went to Eisenhauer park for a hike. There's a creek that runs through this park and on one of the trails there's a rocky ledge over the creek where I like to sit and think. I sat there yesterday and wept. I wept because I felt lonely. I wept because I remembered last year's Thanksgiving and how happy it was. I wept because I'm still hurting inside. So, I wrote the following:

I sit on moss covered rocks

And I weep for you.

What comfort are the knotted ancient trees?
What comfort is the brisk autumn air?

What comfort is the golden carpet of leaves?

What comfort is the bright open sky?

I cannot be comforted;

You are not with me.

Only time works diligently

To repair what we tore apart.

Only time can make me strong.

Until then,

I will sit on moss covered rocks

And I will weep for you.

Dramatic? Yes. But surely ya'll have come to expect that from me by now. Next post will be about volunteering at SAAF this morning and then Thanksgiving dinner at Chris's!

Dirty Hands

Okay, I didn't take pictures...calm down. As soon as I got there I started digging and then planting and next thing I knew we were almost done. I loved it. C's mother made us supper and cookies that were super delicious. Although, I have to say, I almost froze my ass off with a a thermal shirt, a sweater, and a coat on while C and his family were perfectly comfortable. C's mother was even barefoot most of the time....northerners.

I'm supposed to help finish the project on Thursday after Thanksgiving dinner and a long walk. I'll have details about Thanksgiving by Friday at least. And, maybe this time I'll have pictures. Maybe.

Two queens diggin' holes in the ground...

Quick change of plans...My friend C called me today and asked if I wanted to come over for dinner and then help him plant some trees in his front yard. I said yes. I get a free meal and I'm sure I'll have a heck of a story to tell tomorrow morning assuming I survive. Plus, I don't really feel that bad cancelling on MK since he canceled on me last week, we understand each other that way.

Shit will go down as follows: C will dig the holes. I'll hold the flash light. I foresee some lost flashlights, backs going out, nails being broken, blood flowing, and even 911 being dialed at some point...we'll see. Good thing I have kick ass health insurance.

Oh, and you can bet your bottom dollar I'm taking the fucking camera for this. I need evidence for the various claims that will most assuredly be filed.

Also, I've made plans with none other than Chicken! Yes, the Chicken! He's growing on me. He's actually very cute in a goofy nerdy kind of way. He watches PBS, likes to take goofy pictures, loves to spend time outdoors, and talk about religion and politics. I'm not too brushed up on my politics but I know some things about religion. So we'll see. I suggested we get together for lunch on Saturday and then head to Brackenridge Park to snap some photos. *crosses fingers*

The incorrigible bitch.

Dutch boy just asked to borrow my calculator. Took it to the work room. Then walked away and left it there. Apparently I didn't warrant the respect of having my calculator returned to me, after all, I could just get up and get it myself...who do I think I am?

Fucking bitch. I sent her an email reminding her to please return anything she borrows from the front desk back to the front desk.

I can't wait to see what all caps misspelled bullshit reply she gives me.

I should put a sign on her car bumper that says "Free. Please take"

Why, you can wrap your bacon around my chicken breast anytime...

I promised details; here they are:

I went over to L's condo yesterday for dinner as planned and it was delicious. He made chicken breast wrapped in bacon with jalapenos and swiss cheese....sooo fucking good. He also made a risotto out of a box which was not so good but totally edible.

I learned a few things: He likes to make cakes and decorate them which is completel adorable because he's so damn masculine. I love it when a gay guy is very masculine but the gay shines through in the most obvious ways. Like decorating cakes...and houses. His condo was very nicely decorated. He had drapes, and table cloths, and painted walls...candles by the tub (a foreshadow of things to come? I sure as hell hope so), and very nice furniture.

After dinner we sat on the couch and snuggled with his dogs, one of which (Maddie) smelled like ass. But, she was really sweet and tender so I let her sleep on my leg...my jeans still smell like ass though. We watched the music awards until Whitney Houston performed (which by the way almost made me cry, as did Carrie Underwood and her damn "arrow to the balls" of a song "Already Gone". We had some fruit for dessert, real fruit, not each other. And then, after two long and warm hugs he gave me a peck on the cheek and I was off.

I gushed in the car the whole way home. We're supposed to hang out on Friday, I may suggest a hike at Gov'ment Canyon. Government Canyon, sounds like what you get when you don't have enough money to go to a real park. Anyway, stay tuned for the details.

Tomorrow I'm going with MK to the San Antonio Museum of art to watch a free screening of a movie directed by a Japanese director by the last name of Musaki. We went two Tuesdays ago and saw another one of his movies "Nausica and the Valley of the Wind"...very good movie, it made me cry. Okay, I'm nodding off. G'nite, putas.

First and foremost, pictures of the Bachelor Pad

My little haven. Be it ever so humble...

So I spent the day yesterday nursing a hang over from the night before. I had fun though and it seems I'm now a chicken hawk. For the non gays, it means I'm an older guy after the young mens (chicken). I met a kid, we'll call him Chicken, who is 20 yrs old, and goes to school at some obsure university in Kerrville. We exchanged numbers and the next day he found me on Facebook. He works fast. I honestly didn't think he was super attractive but we were seriously the only ones at the HEAT at that time aside from the bartenders. We flirted a lot and I played into the whole "I know, I know, I don't look 20, I look 12" nonsenese, which is what Chicken said...and then he told me I looked 21 and when I told him my real age he said he liked older guys because they know what they want. After a while, though, I got bored. I gave him a hug and then left. By the time I got back to the HEAT with M and D, he was gone.

In other man news: I got the internets connected yesterday morning and after cleaning up the apartment and paying some bills I decided to go online and chat. I'm glad I did. I reconnected with a bunch of folks I used to chat with regularly. One of them was J, who is a lawyer in Houston. I met him once and had a great time. He's super smart and very funny.

Then, I came across a guy I hadn't spoken to in years...he was in the military the last time I saw him and he was deployed. L, is his name and I really liked him. I dated him briefly the first time D and I broke up and then also the second time. But, he kept getting deployed for months at a time and we'd get out of touch. Not long after the last deployment, I met Stephen.

The last date we went on, he took me his sister's bday party. I got to play baseball with his family and bust a pinata. I had a great time and I got to see how he much he cared about his family and how close they were. His sister has Down's Syndrome and she was so sweet and very fun...she played baseball with us.

So, we were chatting yesterday. He now owns a home, has another dog, and he invited me for dinner tonight. He said he wanted to cook for me...which I thought was nice. The whole time we were chatting he kept alluding to picking up where we left off. I told him at one point that I'd need lots of time before I could date. He asked what I needed and I said, "A friend to lean on".

He said, "You got it."

Did I mention he has the body of a god and a voice like Vin Diesel? He does. He really does. At least, he did.

So as we were concluding the chat session, I said "I'm glad we could reconnect"

and he said "Me to. By the way, no more deployments. This time I won't let you go"

Creepy? Sweet?

I got butterflies in my stomach when he said that. Ever since we first met and on every date we went on, he never acted inappropriately. He was very respectful and very attentive...not just with me but other people I saw him interact with. And, he took very good care of his dog...Maddie.

He'll be on my short list for dates when the time comes, fo sho! Bye biatchas, I'll have details tonight!

The Bitch is back...but not really.

I went out last night and got very, very, very drunk. I flirted with boys (to the best of my ability, more on my ineptness at flirting later), I danced, and I even smoked two cigarettes. It was the first time I'd smoked a cigarette in my life, ever. I was very good at it actually but I don't plan on doing it again. I laughed my ass off and for a small window of time, I stopped thinking about Stephen. It was nice. A friend even commented on how I sounded like my old self again. I hope she didn't mean drunk.

I talked to a very cute bartender who used to work with me at the Cheesecake Factory, Eric. He's now a waiter at The Yardhouse where the work buddies and I will be going for happy hour tonight. He told me to ask for his section and then gave me a free shot of something blue. I was so hyped about it yesterday but now I'm completely intimidated. When did I get so shy around the boys? Lord.

I'll keep you posted on the Eric situation. I really don't think much will come of it...I know for a fact he's kind of a loser...a hot loser...but a loser nonetheless.

On an ironic note, I was reading a really good book called The Book Of Lost Things and I loved it. I was almost to the end when I moved. Now, I can't find it. I've lost The Book Of Lost Things and may have to purchase a new one. Isn't it ironic? Don't you think? A little too ironic. It's like rain....

I don't have any real plans for this weekend. I get my internets tomorrow...I may just have to get online and put some plans together if I don't hear from my amigos. We'll see.

That's all for now, bitches. Skeletor out.

My Pakistani Predicament

I have a friend who is from Pakistan. I met him when I was studying once at Starbucks. He's very handsome, very smart, and very married. When we first met he was very friendly and I thought I got a vibe. But, then he told me about his wife and I figured I'd imagined it.

Fast forward a few months. I broke up with Stephen and all of a sudden he's flirty McFlirtster. I'm talking "sending me nude pics of himself" kind of flirting. He obviously wants to the polka if you know what I mean. I have several issues with this: 1. He's married 2. I'm nowhere near over Stephen 3. Since my previous ex, D, got the syph I have a real fear of STD's.

Last night he texts me that he wants to come over for tea. Right. At first I said no, but then I decided Why not? So he came over and I made tea and in the back of my mind I knew he was hopeful something would happen. He looked great, smelled even better, and was very charming...but I felt nothing. Nothing. So, we watched Americas Funniest Home Videos and then he left. I could tell he was dissapointed.

I think I'm going to have to stop talking to this guy for a while. I think it's bad news all around with this situation.

Achoo!

This morning I woke up and the inside of my head was burning and my nose was running like a faucet...what the hell? I normally have really bad allergies but for some reason, this year I had nothing...until now. Turns out the mold count is high which makes sense as it's been raining a lot this past month. It also makes sense because we've had a dry summer...damn it!

I thought I was home free.

So here I am pretty miserable and hoping this doesn't turn into a sinus infection. Fucking allergens.

I watched Amelie yesterday, one of my favorite movies, and cried like a baby. I needed it. It's a French movie (go figure) and it's about a shy girl that decides to anonymously perform acts of kindness for the people in her community...at the end she learns to face her fears and dare to love. My favorite line from the movie was "Your bones are not made of glass, you can take life's bumps, now go after him!" Those were the English subtitles anyway. The lines were spoken by Amelie's neighbor who suffers from a rare condition in which his bones become brittle like glass and he's confined to his apartment where all the furniture is padded.

I love that movie and I love the soundtrack even more.

So last night, after eating supper, washing the dishes, and having a good cry, I read some poetry by Emily Dickenson and then went to bed. I'm proud of myself...I really am. This has been one of the most difficult times in my life but I've managed to function well. If I can function through this than I can overcome whatever other obstacles life puts in my way. Some day, I'll love again, and it may or may not last but I've resolved to love with my whole heart. Half assing love is not good, and it's one of many mistakes I don't intend to repeat.

This would only happen to me...

I happened to receive a text today while I was in the bathroom...all the smart boys and girls should already know where this is going...I was standing over the toilet with one free hand, so I decided to check the text.

So, I checked the text. It was a text from Stephen in which he informed me that there was $7.00 in charges on the phone bill from me calling information. He asked that I text this new number and that I'd get numbers for free...he also hoped I was having "gr8" day.

As I was pondering the text and seriously considering getting a Pocket phone on my own and patting myself on the back for taking such good care of this current phone, I heard a splash...and I thought:

Wait a minute, why the splash, I'm standing over the toilet not sitting on it. And then, I realized I was no longer holding the phone...and there it was, in the toilet bowl...staring back at me and asking "Why, Roman? Why?"

I pulled it out, rinsed it off, sanitized it with hand sanitizer, and dried it out as best as I could and now it's sitting on the sunny spot on my desk...however, it's still unresponsive...a vegetable if you will.

I'm at a loss as to what to do.

Oh my hip!

Yesterday after work I decided to skip my Anthropology test (I get to drop the lowest test grade) and go for a run after feeding my food obsessed cats. I got all dressed up in my running shorts and a striped tank top and off I went.

I'm not sure how far I actually ran in terms of distance; however, I sure know how far I ran in terms of injuries.

Too Far.

At first it was nice and the breeze was cool and I ran into other semi-hot runners and felt such solidarity with them...but then I got a water cramp in my side...and my knees started to hurt...and my arches....oooooh my arches! And, of all things, my hip started to hurt...and while I as running and my chest was burning I thought what a fucked up thing it would be if I had to get a new hip because of this.

A new hip...and I'm sure it wouldn't be like the time I had my tonsils taken out when I got ice cream, popsicles, and lots of attention....I'd be single and learning how to walk again...I'm sure I could have all the ice cream and popsicles I wanted but it wouldn't be the same.

Having said that, I plan on keeping up this running thing...at least until my hip gives out and I have to start using a walker...which I would totally trip out.

Home Sweet Home...sort of

So, I'm all settled into my new apartment. I'm actually pretty proud of myself considering I only had a couple of days and now the apartment looks like I've always lived there.

I got all nice and moved in on Friday, unpacked on Saturday, and cleaned the apartment yesterday. In between all that I had tons of help from Donnie, Chris, and Marc...

Still, coming home to an empty apartment and going to bed alone is hard. I miss Stephen and the nights are the hardest. Isn't that a song?

Anyway, I kept the one memory...this huge stuffed white dog with a pink nose and ears that he gave me for our first Valentine's day; I named him Doodles....I've been hugging it at night when I sleep...is that wierd?

It's the wierdest thing to have an understanding that someday the pain will leave me and at the same time feel as if it never will.

Hang in there through the sad posts because eventually I'll be dishing about hot dates...you can bet on that.

Nitty Gritty

Tomorrow I move out of the apartment I've shared with Stephen for 8 months and into my new pad...I thought I'd already gone through the nittiest and gritties part of the break up, but I think this will be the most difficult part.

Packing was hard enough. I came across so many memories, happy ones....and not so happy ones. But, now I have to haul all my shit and leave the apartment almost empty...and it pains me to do so. Although, deep down inside I'm glad it's almost empty. I want it to be a stark reminder to Stephen when he gets back that he's losing a great deal more than he realizes - and I'm not talking about the furniture...it sounds like I mean the furniture, doesn't it. Eh.

So, Monday I'll have pictures of my pad...I'll have to blog from work in the mean time until I get my internet connected next month. Good news: My appetite is back with a vengeance. I'm eating peanut brittle even as I type. Wish me luck tomorrow!

You'll just feel a little stick....

and then I'll suck your blood until you almost pass out....that's what the nurse at my doctor's office was thinking yesterday when she botched up my blood test.

She pricked me once on the left arm...then took one vial of blood (she needed 5)...while changing out the vials she accidentally pulls out the needle and just sticks it back in...there was blood dripping down my arm.

Dripping!

Then it started to pool under my skin and I got this puffy bruise thingy that was super gross and painful.

After said puffy bruisy thing made an appearance, she said we'd need the other arm...I thought, shit, if she only got one vial from this arm, and she still needs four more...where else will she stick me?

I wanted to leave...she said no.

She got everything she needed from the other arm but not without letting the needle slip out again toward the end and making me bleed all over the place...afterwards I had to wait in the lobby until my wounds stopped bleeding with my arms folded and elevated above my head....fucking embarassing.

On a brighter note, the doctor said I looked great and that I can have Ensure as long as I like...yay. Turns out I actually gained weight which is what I want. Don't hate.

Engrish

What the hell? What is the world coming to when people have to be reminded to keep their flying saucers to themselves...que gross. So after reading this, I've decided to not go to the World Receptionists' Conference in Shanghai, what with the H1N1 and the Stupid Disease...which is the last thing I need right now. Did I get my Stupid shots this year? Hmm....better call the doctor...

So I thought I had the flu yesterday for like an hour...very exhausting. I got all hot faced at work and my ears were turning red (classic sign that I have a fever since I was a wee little lass). I thought at first it all had to do with H tucking his shirts in but it wouldn't go away when he'd leave the room. Naturally, I thought H1N1 heard I was single and looked me up. But, turns out I was just flustered by a lady that had yelled at me on the phone.

Super bitch, I kid you not.

Went home, took a nap, ate some soup, gagged down some Ensure...and I felt better...

OH! I took an hour emptying boxes yesterday afternoon from our office supply shipment here at work in order to secure said boxes...I forgot to take them before I went home and figured I'd load them in the car this morning. They're gone. Fucking gone. So, now I have a few options. Look for more boxes or place a very large bogus office supply order pretty soon...not sure which I'll do.

Time will tell.

Pinches Detalles

We chatted on the internet for about an hour before deciding to meet at a Starbucks off of 281 and Henderson Pass. His gay.com picture was of him standing in front of a painting...he had a 5 o'clock shadow and I thought he was handsome.

I had a tall chai latte, the only thing I knew how to order at Starbucks back then, and he had a grande mocha. We talked about his work and my considering Judaism...I told him about the universalism of Judaism and compared it to Christianity. I used a flood for my metaphor...I said that in Christianity it's all about getting on the boat before the shit hits the fan. In Judaism, it's about everyone staying and working together to build a system of canals to safely carry the water away. He didn't get mad or seem uncomfortable at all, and I liked that.

After Sbux, we went for a hike at Eisenhauer park....it was a drizzly afternoon...I checked his ass out right before he got into his car. I almost rear ended a mini van on the way there...we laughed about it later. We walked up to the tower and talked about cooking for the holidays...he told me he made a mean turkey.

After that, I suggested we grab something to eat. He followed me all the way to Panchitos. I had the caldo (I was so nervous, I'd lost my appetite) and he had the fajita plate (still his default Mexican food). We talked some more about his job and he told me he made therapeutic board games as a hobby and I thought it was great. I made him laugh. I walked him to his car and we hugged...I remember exactly what he was wearing...a fleece shirt, grey, with three buttons at the top and a fitted pair of jeans, both are still on his side of the closet....on the way home, he texted me and said he had a great time...I responded with a "likewise" and a smile.

Ensure has saved my life....

because I can't eat anything when I'm stressed out. My body rebels and says, "No sir, I'm not having it." Seriously, that's what it says with a British accent. For reals. All I can stomach is soups, water, and Ensure. Ensure has 350 calories per serving...no joke. It's literally keeping me alive. That cold bottle of creamy slightly metallic goodness is now my life force.

My next worry, aside from my broken heart and 2 years of my life torn to pieces, is constipation...I don't think ensure has any fiber. Wait, check that. According to my sources, Ensure has 3 grams of fiber per serving....hell yes!

How will I know I'm getting better? Memories of Stephen won't feel like a searing knife in my chest. I'll find pleasure in the little things again. I'll sooooo start dating many a hot man. And, Ensure will gracefully bow out of my life until I need her again...

Strength

Stephen and I broke up yesterday morning (on Shabbat, no less)...rather Stephen broke up with me. We were together for two years. To say the least it's been a very difficult day. I'm puffy from crying, weak from not being able to eat anything, and excitascared about my future. I'm spent and don't have many words to type...I've already spoken them all over coffee, dinner, tea, and the phone.

I have this to say...I'm glad I have friends to surround me and support me through this. And, I'm grateful for the strength that I found within me that I honestly did not think I had.

The good times I'll always remember. As for the bad times...I never have to relive them.

Happy things...

After looking through my past blogs, I've decided to take things in a different direction. I'm a very negative person and I tend to complain and linger too long on life's curveballs. So, today I've decided that I'm going to do my level best to list all the things that made me feel happy every day. Maybe at some point I'll work it in to some funny and well written narrative, but for the moment, I'm sticking to a simple list.

Why?

Because I think that I seriously need to stop and take time to remember the things in my day that made me happy. Maybe then, I'll stop obessing about all the not so happy things. It's probably only going to be a short lists at first, but my suspicion is that my days are rich with happiness that I ignore which makes for longer lists every day *crosses fingers*

1. My dog, Jessy, very politely requesting cuddles this morning before I brushed my teeth.

2. Stephen coming back to bed, after getting ready, to snuggle with me for another half hour.

3. The way the air smelled this morning when I first stepped out of the apartment.

4. The easy drive to work this morning...no traffic drama.

5. Pulling into the parking lot at the same time as M and walking in to the office with her.

6. The smell of the fresh coffee grounds before I put them in the coffee maker

7. Eating my oatmeal

8. Drinking coffee

9. Greeting everyone (coworkers) in the morning at work

10. Finding out for sure that I'm now at the front desk permanently

11. Talking to F about her husband trying to walk 2 miles with her and then quitting

12. Talking with Thanks God about her gay cousin, Cheyenne, and Ricky Martin

13. Painting my door for Halloween

14. Eating a blow pop.

15. Lunch with K, H, and M.

16. Watching K's attempt at eating a brussel sprout.

17. H's pretzels *snicker*

18. Listening to "Banana Pancakes" in M's car on the way to get frozen yogurt

19. Laughing with M on the way back because Prime Cultures uses Wal-Mart brand yogurt

20. K sneaking up on me all day with the "funny startle".

21. H thanking me for bringing something to his attention after ExMomma dismissed my efforts.

22. M's honeydew melon

23. The sunlight that pours onto the front desk this time of year through the lobby dormers

24. Watering the plants in the lobby.

25. Eating frozen yogurt with cocoa pebbles on top.

26. How readily I can get facial care advice during lunch.

27. Easy drive home.

28. Jessy meeting me at the door.

29. Making supper

30. The way Stephen's lips feel when I kiss him.

31. Stephen complimenting me on supper.

32. Watching 10th anniversary show of "Good Eats"

33. Snuggling with Stephen on the sofa

34. Ginger brew

35. Canteloupe and raspberries for dessert.

36. Jessy watching me type like it's the most interesting thing in the world.

37. Having someone waiting for me in the bedroom :)

38. Facebook comments

39. Having WAY more things on this list than I thought I'd have....

I really think this could have therapeutic effects. G'night. :)

Kill Me Now

Front desk, here I come!

New girl is here. I've yet to be formally introduced to her as the person that's been doing what is now her job for 3 years.

The closest I came was when momma came up to the front desk and told me to start moving my stuff out as soon as possible and to tie up my loose ends...with the new employee standing behind her blushing.

I hate her.

I feel such relief to be done with this already.

Wowey Wowey Wow...

*sigh* Hello hot copier guy, I've missed you.

Ick

After my grandmother died, I stopped caring about school. I've always known this but I've never stopped to really consider it until now. No matter how old one gets, I don't think that our need for our parents never really goes away. The truth is that I still needed my grandparents, who raised me from birth, as a 19 yr old. When my grandmother died after my grandfather, I felt completely alone. I mean this when I say it: They were the only people that loved me unconditionally at the time. Once my grandmother died the feeling that I belonged somewhere vanished and I've been floating around ever since. I think this may be the true reason that I'm afraid to love. This might be the reason I try to preempt the hurt I might experience at the hand of others by hurting them first. The truth is, I still feel alone sometimes. I miss them everyday. Sometimes, I fantasize of what life might be like if they were still here. I know I'm supposed to move on but I wish with my grandparents were still here. I HATE that they're gone and I HATE that I can't ask them all the questions about life that I've accumulated all these years. If I could have just one more day with them, I'd let them do all the talking. I really would.

Mwua Mwua...

I know we're in a recession, puta. I know everyone's hurting. But, I'm still disappointed that our final total for UW giving will be much lower this year than last year. Oh well...

Tomorrow's Rosh Hashanah, my first as an official Jew! I'm stopping by HEB on the way home for a round loaf of Challah and some apples :) We're gonna have a quiet dinner at home, then go to the late Erev service tomorrow night...then it's off to Dick's Last Resort for drinks? Wait a minute, when did that sneak into the picture? It'll be fun. I can't wait.

So, turns out, Stephen did take the dog out yesterday...she had the shits from eating a new treat that's supposed to clean her teeth...it cleaned something else though...her colon...all over the carpet...in various places...one dog and no cup.

I tell you, the joys of dog ownership...personally I prefer cats, which is a whole 'nother blog...stay tuned.

Motherfucker!

The dog just pooed the carpet. I took her out and she pooed a huge load and then I bring her back in and she poos a huge load again...why wasn't she taken out all fucking day? Where the hell was Stephen? Now, the poor dog thinks she's in trouble...she confided in me. I assured her that if Stephen yells at her I'm going to tear his balls off with my bare hands...she believed me.

What has come over me...

I feel very poetic today and my mind is somewhere in New Mexico...I get this way sometimes....

I'll jump from a high mesa and
Be carried away on the wings
Of a cool New Mexican breeze
In the early fall at sunset

I'll flow through mountain crags
And soar over the plain's expanse
I'll land in a warm artist's heart
And be laid to rest in vivid colors
On soft white sheets of canvas