Ick

After my grandmother died, I stopped caring about school. I've always known this but I've never stopped to really consider it until now. No matter how old one gets, I don't think that our need for our parents never really goes away. The truth is that I still needed my grandparents, who raised me from birth, as a 19 yr old. When my grandmother died after my grandfather, I felt completely alone. I mean this when I say it: They were the only people that loved me unconditionally at the time. Once my grandmother died the feeling that I belonged somewhere vanished and I've been floating around ever since. I think this may be the true reason that I'm afraid to love. This might be the reason I try to preempt the hurt I might experience at the hand of others by hurting them first. The truth is, I still feel alone sometimes. I miss them everyday. Sometimes, I fantasize of what life might be like if they were still here. I know I'm supposed to move on but I wish with my grandparents were still here. I HATE that they're gone and I HATE that I can't ask them all the questions about life that I've accumulated all these years. If I could have just one more day with them, I'd let them do all the talking. I really would.