Oh Behave!

So, P finally shows up yesterday for dinner. We walked over to The Candlelight and had a nice dinner...the conversation was pretty slow going since all he does is work. He says he doesn't get out much. After a while, he told me that he was having a conversation with his employees trying to explain how it's possible for him to be a Catholic and a scientist....he works for a movie theater so I was a little confused. I figured maybe he went to school and did research there. No. He just "watches a lot of The History Channel and Discover". Which is whatever, I watch them also but I don't consider myself a scientist...but then he wanted to debate with me the existence of dragons and unicorns...we talked about it all the way home and while we sat on the couch watching TV. I thought to myself "I can't do this".

Just then, I got a text from a friend who wanted to me to join them back at the Candlelight. I told P that we should go back and he could meet my friends...He didn't want to go but said that I should go and then come back and wake him up with a little surprise. Yes, I know what you're going to say...but I went anyway. Note to self: Don't leave a trick at home with all your stuff ever again. For the record, everything was still here when I got back, including P, but still, in hindsight...not so smart. Don't judge me.

Anyway, so I had a great time at Candlelight. Then we went to a friend of a friend's house, very nice house, and had drinks and taquitos. I had a lovely time. By the time I was dropped off at home, I was a little buzzy...and we all know what happens when I get buzzy...

YEAH BABY! I've still got it...I was actually concerned there for a while...but not anymore.

So, today I think I'll go see Precious and cry my face off. Then, I'll cook something nice for dinner and chillax for the rest of the evening.

Incidentally, L never called me again...I thought for sure he was one of the sincere ones. Oh the crap shoot that is dating...keeps things interesting.

OH! And for the record, I don't think I'll see P again...he'll be the last trick I have over. From this point on, I'll date some guys and keep sex on the back burner...after the last couple of months of my relationship with Stephen I really felt like there was something wrong with me. I needed a little validation...it was a win win for both P and me.

A Walk in the Park....

Plans with P fell through for last night; he had a migraine. But, he's supposed to come by this evening around 7 at which time we'll walk to The Candlelight Coffee house for dinner. He's really, really, really interested in the sex. At first I was thrilled by it, but now it's beginning to annoy me. He's totally building it up and I think we're both going to be dissapointed. Especially him. The closer the time comes and the raunchier his texts get the more turned off I'm becoming. As a matter of fact, his last text (which I will not publish) was all about the sex he expects to have. So I responded that I don't think I have enough of a sexual appetite to have sex twice tonight and then again in the morning (his words) and that what I was looking most forward to dinner and conversation (which I suspect will run thin). Ya'll will be the second to know, I'll of course be the first.

As for Chicken, I met him at Joseph's as planned but he didn't eat anything...said he wasn't hungry. He mentioned that he wanted to talk about religion and politics when in reality he knew nothing of both...it seemed like one conversational dead end after the other. After lunch, we went for a walk at the Japanese Tea Garden and then Brackenridge Park. During the walk he livened up a bit and got more talkative. I think he was nervous. Still, the whole thing was so awkward that I doubt I'll see him again. As he was speaking the painfully obvious truth dawned on me. He's still a kid even if he is 20. And, I don't date kids. Other than the awkwardness though I enjoyed the day...so beautiful.

I hope I'm not turning into super date bitch and start sabotaging my dates....SABOTEUR! But, I think that this time around it would help to be a little pickier...not to mention in the two years I was with Stephen I changed...the same stuff that I used to like doesn't do anything for me anymore...

So, I'll have G rated details about P tomorrow. This weather is supposed to hold up through the day tomorrow so I plan on taking another outdoor excursion. Here are some pictures of the Japanese Tea Garden and Brackenridge Park:

I said to myself, "What monkeys?"

I hope everyone had a Happy Thanksgiving. I sure did. I ate lots of turkey and mashed potatoes and cranberry sauce...I did not, however, have any cornbread dressing this thanksgiving...only the second time in my life this has happened. May it be the last.

So, I volunteered at SAAF yesterday and passed out meals to the residents and out patients. I really enjoyed myself. The meal was prepared by MCC, that's the Metropolitan Community Church of San Antonio. I used to be a member. Not anymore.

There was so much love there, especially between the residents. Everyone ate until they were full and there was even enough left over for the out patients to take some home with them.

After that, I came home and picked up a little bit before I left to C's house. C's mother made most of the food, I took some pies and tamales (puro mexicano). While I was there, I got to meet C's sister in law. She was like a flat chested darker Brazilian version of Salma Hayek. It was great. I had a hard time understanding what she was saying but every once in a while she would mention monkeys...and how angry they made her....how lazy they were...I didn't understand.

At one point she walked out and C's mother proceeded to tell me that she's horribly racist and calls black people monkeys. I didn't know what to say...I just stared at C's mother with my mouth open. Just then, shen walked back in and I felt super awkward for the rest of the time she was there...luckily she left early.

Let's call her Brazilla. I have a feeling I'm going to see a whole lot of her now that I'm spending more time at C's house. What I don't understand is how C is very open minded, educated, and a great judge of character...and yet he loves her. Granted she's very nice to the family and even to me...then again none of us are black.

So she brought flan which looked sooo good but I couldn't bring myself to eat it. I didn't want to eat hate.

After she left we cleaned up and then C and I went for a long walk with Buster, his American Bull Dog...I love this dog and he loves me. I should have taken his picture. This dog makes me feel very loved :) After the walk, we watched an episode of MASH and then Fried Green Tomaotes....one of my favorite movies. Then, I went home.

Wait, this just in: Hot Bottom Man of Irish Descent with piercing green eyes reconnects with R when he sees his relationship status on gay.com.

It's true. Some background: I met Hot Bottom Man of Irish Descent (P for short) after my first break up with D, then again during the second break up. We had great sex. Now, he wants to meet for coffee today when he gets off of work...and I'm sooo going to meet him. I think this might be the typhoon that breaks the dry spell. If I remember correctly he's about 25 by now.

Wish me luck.

Happy Thanksgiving, Biatchas!

You thought you were home free...

Not so much. I have to post this because it's what I feel. Yesterday I had some time between my shopping and my counseling session so I went to Eisenhauer park for a hike. There's a creek that runs through this park and on one of the trails there's a rocky ledge over the creek where I like to sit and think. I sat there yesterday and wept. I wept because I felt lonely. I wept because I remembered last year's Thanksgiving and how happy it was. I wept because I'm still hurting inside. So, I wrote the following:

I sit on moss covered rocks

And I weep for you.

What comfort are the knotted ancient trees?
What comfort is the brisk autumn air?

What comfort is the golden carpet of leaves?

What comfort is the bright open sky?

I cannot be comforted;

You are not with me.

Only time works diligently

To repair what we tore apart.

Only time can make me strong.

Until then,

I will sit on moss covered rocks

And I will weep for you.

Dramatic? Yes. But surely ya'll have come to expect that from me by now. Next post will be about volunteering at SAAF this morning and then Thanksgiving dinner at Chris's!

Dirty Hands

Okay, I didn't take pictures...calm down. As soon as I got there I started digging and then planting and next thing I knew we were almost done. I loved it. C's mother made us supper and cookies that were super delicious. Although, I have to say, I almost froze my ass off with a a thermal shirt, a sweater, and a coat on while C and his family were perfectly comfortable. C's mother was even barefoot most of the time....northerners.

I'm supposed to help finish the project on Thursday after Thanksgiving dinner and a long walk. I'll have details about Thanksgiving by Friday at least. And, maybe this time I'll have pictures. Maybe.

Two queens diggin' holes in the ground...

Quick change of plans...My friend C called me today and asked if I wanted to come over for dinner and then help him plant some trees in his front yard. I said yes. I get a free meal and I'm sure I'll have a heck of a story to tell tomorrow morning assuming I survive. Plus, I don't really feel that bad cancelling on MK since he canceled on me last week, we understand each other that way.

Shit will go down as follows: C will dig the holes. I'll hold the flash light. I foresee some lost flashlights, backs going out, nails being broken, blood flowing, and even 911 being dialed at some point...we'll see. Good thing I have kick ass health insurance.

Oh, and you can bet your bottom dollar I'm taking the fucking camera for this. I need evidence for the various claims that will most assuredly be filed.

Also, I've made plans with none other than Chicken! Yes, the Chicken! He's growing on me. He's actually very cute in a goofy nerdy kind of way. He watches PBS, likes to take goofy pictures, loves to spend time outdoors, and talk about religion and politics. I'm not too brushed up on my politics but I know some things about religion. So we'll see. I suggested we get together for lunch on Saturday and then head to Brackenridge Park to snap some photos. *crosses fingers*

The incorrigible bitch.

Dutch boy just asked to borrow my calculator. Took it to the work room. Then walked away and left it there. Apparently I didn't warrant the respect of having my calculator returned to me, after all, I could just get up and get it myself...who do I think I am?

Fucking bitch. I sent her an email reminding her to please return anything she borrows from the front desk back to the front desk.

I can't wait to see what all caps misspelled bullshit reply she gives me.

I should put a sign on her car bumper that says "Free. Please take"

Why, you can wrap your bacon around my chicken breast anytime...

I promised details; here they are:

I went over to L's condo yesterday for dinner as planned and it was delicious. He made chicken breast wrapped in bacon with jalapenos and swiss cheese....sooo fucking good. He also made a risotto out of a box which was not so good but totally edible.

I learned a few things: He likes to make cakes and decorate them which is completel adorable because he's so damn masculine. I love it when a gay guy is very masculine but the gay shines through in the most obvious ways. Like decorating cakes...and houses. His condo was very nicely decorated. He had drapes, and table cloths, and painted walls...candles by the tub (a foreshadow of things to come? I sure as hell hope so), and very nice furniture.

After dinner we sat on the couch and snuggled with his dogs, one of which (Maddie) smelled like ass. But, she was really sweet and tender so I let her sleep on my leg...my jeans still smell like ass though. We watched the music awards until Whitney Houston performed (which by the way almost made me cry, as did Carrie Underwood and her damn "arrow to the balls" of a song "Already Gone". We had some fruit for dessert, real fruit, not each other. And then, after two long and warm hugs he gave me a peck on the cheek and I was off.

I gushed in the car the whole way home. We're supposed to hang out on Friday, I may suggest a hike at Gov'ment Canyon. Government Canyon, sounds like what you get when you don't have enough money to go to a real park. Anyway, stay tuned for the details.

Tomorrow I'm going with MK to the San Antonio Museum of art to watch a free screening of a movie directed by a Japanese director by the last name of Musaki. We went two Tuesdays ago and saw another one of his movies "Nausica and the Valley of the Wind"...very good movie, it made me cry. Okay, I'm nodding off. G'nite, putas.

First and foremost, pictures of the Bachelor Pad

My little haven. Be it ever so humble...

So I spent the day yesterday nursing a hang over from the night before. I had fun though and it seems I'm now a chicken hawk. For the non gays, it means I'm an older guy after the young mens (chicken). I met a kid, we'll call him Chicken, who is 20 yrs old, and goes to school at some obsure university in Kerrville. We exchanged numbers and the next day he found me on Facebook. He works fast. I honestly didn't think he was super attractive but we were seriously the only ones at the HEAT at that time aside from the bartenders. We flirted a lot and I played into the whole "I know, I know, I don't look 20, I look 12" nonsenese, which is what Chicken said...and then he told me I looked 21 and when I told him my real age he said he liked older guys because they know what they want. After a while, though, I got bored. I gave him a hug and then left. By the time I got back to the HEAT with M and D, he was gone.

In other man news: I got the internets connected yesterday morning and after cleaning up the apartment and paying some bills I decided to go online and chat. I'm glad I did. I reconnected with a bunch of folks I used to chat with regularly. One of them was J, who is a lawyer in Houston. I met him once and had a great time. He's super smart and very funny.

Then, I came across a guy I hadn't spoken to in years...he was in the military the last time I saw him and he was deployed. L, is his name and I really liked him. I dated him briefly the first time D and I broke up and then also the second time. But, he kept getting deployed for months at a time and we'd get out of touch. Not long after the last deployment, I met Stephen.

The last date we went on, he took me his sister's bday party. I got to play baseball with his family and bust a pinata. I had a great time and I got to see how he much he cared about his family and how close they were. His sister has Down's Syndrome and she was so sweet and very fun...she played baseball with us.

So, we were chatting yesterday. He now owns a home, has another dog, and he invited me for dinner tonight. He said he wanted to cook for me...which I thought was nice. The whole time we were chatting he kept alluding to picking up where we left off. I told him at one point that I'd need lots of time before I could date. He asked what I needed and I said, "A friend to lean on".

He said, "You got it."

Did I mention he has the body of a god and a voice like Vin Diesel? He does. He really does. At least, he did.

So as we were concluding the chat session, I said "I'm glad we could reconnect"

and he said "Me to. By the way, no more deployments. This time I won't let you go"

Creepy? Sweet?

I got butterflies in my stomach when he said that. Ever since we first met and on every date we went on, he never acted inappropriately. He was very respectful and very attentive...not just with me but other people I saw him interact with. And, he took very good care of his dog...Maddie.

He'll be on my short list for dates when the time comes, fo sho! Bye biatchas, I'll have details tonight!

The Bitch is back...but not really.

I went out last night and got very, very, very drunk. I flirted with boys (to the best of my ability, more on my ineptness at flirting later), I danced, and I even smoked two cigarettes. It was the first time I'd smoked a cigarette in my life, ever. I was very good at it actually but I don't plan on doing it again. I laughed my ass off and for a small window of time, I stopped thinking about Stephen. It was nice. A friend even commented on how I sounded like my old self again. I hope she didn't mean drunk.

I talked to a very cute bartender who used to work with me at the Cheesecake Factory, Eric. He's now a waiter at The Yardhouse where the work buddies and I will be going for happy hour tonight. He told me to ask for his section and then gave me a free shot of something blue. I was so hyped about it yesterday but now I'm completely intimidated. When did I get so shy around the boys? Lord.

I'll keep you posted on the Eric situation. I really don't think much will come of it...I know for a fact he's kind of a loser...a hot loser...but a loser nonetheless.

On an ironic note, I was reading a really good book called The Book Of Lost Things and I loved it. I was almost to the end when I moved. Now, I can't find it. I've lost The Book Of Lost Things and may have to purchase a new one. Isn't it ironic? Don't you think? A little too ironic. It's like rain....

I don't have any real plans for this weekend. I get my internets tomorrow...I may just have to get online and put some plans together if I don't hear from my amigos. We'll see.

That's all for now, bitches. Skeletor out.

My Pakistani Predicament

I have a friend who is from Pakistan. I met him when I was studying once at Starbucks. He's very handsome, very smart, and very married. When we first met he was very friendly and I thought I got a vibe. But, then he told me about his wife and I figured I'd imagined it.

Fast forward a few months. I broke up with Stephen and all of a sudden he's flirty McFlirtster. I'm talking "sending me nude pics of himself" kind of flirting. He obviously wants to the polka if you know what I mean. I have several issues with this: 1. He's married 2. I'm nowhere near over Stephen 3. Since my previous ex, D, got the syph I have a real fear of STD's.

Last night he texts me that he wants to come over for tea. Right. At first I said no, but then I decided Why not? So he came over and I made tea and in the back of my mind I knew he was hopeful something would happen. He looked great, smelled even better, and was very charming...but I felt nothing. Nothing. So, we watched Americas Funniest Home Videos and then he left. I could tell he was dissapointed.

I think I'm going to have to stop talking to this guy for a while. I think it's bad news all around with this situation.

Achoo!

This morning I woke up and the inside of my head was burning and my nose was running like a faucet...what the hell? I normally have really bad allergies but for some reason, this year I had nothing...until now. Turns out the mold count is high which makes sense as it's been raining a lot this past month. It also makes sense because we've had a dry summer...damn it!

I thought I was home free.

So here I am pretty miserable and hoping this doesn't turn into a sinus infection. Fucking allergens.

I watched Amelie yesterday, one of my favorite movies, and cried like a baby. I needed it. It's a French movie (go figure) and it's about a shy girl that decides to anonymously perform acts of kindness for the people in her community...at the end she learns to face her fears and dare to love. My favorite line from the movie was "Your bones are not made of glass, you can take life's bumps, now go after him!" Those were the English subtitles anyway. The lines were spoken by Amelie's neighbor who suffers from a rare condition in which his bones become brittle like glass and he's confined to his apartment where all the furniture is padded.

I love that movie and I love the soundtrack even more.

So last night, after eating supper, washing the dishes, and having a good cry, I read some poetry by Emily Dickenson and then went to bed. I'm proud of myself...I really am. This has been one of the most difficult times in my life but I've managed to function well. If I can function through this than I can overcome whatever other obstacles life puts in my way. Some day, I'll love again, and it may or may not last but I've resolved to love with my whole heart. Half assing love is not good, and it's one of many mistakes I don't intend to repeat.

This would only happen to me...

I happened to receive a text today while I was in the bathroom...all the smart boys and girls should already know where this is going...I was standing over the toilet with one free hand, so I decided to check the text.

So, I checked the text. It was a text from Stephen in which he informed me that there was $7.00 in charges on the phone bill from me calling information. He asked that I text this new number and that I'd get numbers for free...he also hoped I was having "gr8" day.

As I was pondering the text and seriously considering getting a Pocket phone on my own and patting myself on the back for taking such good care of this current phone, I heard a splash...and I thought:

Wait a minute, why the splash, I'm standing over the toilet not sitting on it. And then, I realized I was no longer holding the phone...and there it was, in the toilet bowl...staring back at me and asking "Why, Roman? Why?"

I pulled it out, rinsed it off, sanitized it with hand sanitizer, and dried it out as best as I could and now it's sitting on the sunny spot on my desk...however, it's still unresponsive...a vegetable if you will.

I'm at a loss as to what to do.

Oh my hip!

Yesterday after work I decided to skip my Anthropology test (I get to drop the lowest test grade) and go for a run after feeding my food obsessed cats. I got all dressed up in my running shorts and a striped tank top and off I went.

I'm not sure how far I actually ran in terms of distance; however, I sure know how far I ran in terms of injuries.

Too Far.

At first it was nice and the breeze was cool and I ran into other semi-hot runners and felt such solidarity with them...but then I got a water cramp in my side...and my knees started to hurt...and my arches....oooooh my arches! And, of all things, my hip started to hurt...and while I as running and my chest was burning I thought what a fucked up thing it would be if I had to get a new hip because of this.

A new hip...and I'm sure it wouldn't be like the time I had my tonsils taken out when I got ice cream, popsicles, and lots of attention....I'd be single and learning how to walk again...I'm sure I could have all the ice cream and popsicles I wanted but it wouldn't be the same.

Having said that, I plan on keeping up this running thing...at least until my hip gives out and I have to start using a walker...which I would totally trip out.

Home Sweet Home...sort of

So, I'm all settled into my new apartment. I'm actually pretty proud of myself considering I only had a couple of days and now the apartment looks like I've always lived there.

I got all nice and moved in on Friday, unpacked on Saturday, and cleaned the apartment yesterday. In between all that I had tons of help from Donnie, Chris, and Marc...

Still, coming home to an empty apartment and going to bed alone is hard. I miss Stephen and the nights are the hardest. Isn't that a song?

Anyway, I kept the one memory...this huge stuffed white dog with a pink nose and ears that he gave me for our first Valentine's day; I named him Doodles....I've been hugging it at night when I sleep...is that wierd?

It's the wierdest thing to have an understanding that someday the pain will leave me and at the same time feel as if it never will.

Hang in there through the sad posts because eventually I'll be dishing about hot dates...you can bet on that.

Nitty Gritty

Tomorrow I move out of the apartment I've shared with Stephen for 8 months and into my new pad...I thought I'd already gone through the nittiest and gritties part of the break up, but I think this will be the most difficult part.

Packing was hard enough. I came across so many memories, happy ones....and not so happy ones. But, now I have to haul all my shit and leave the apartment almost empty...and it pains me to do so. Although, deep down inside I'm glad it's almost empty. I want it to be a stark reminder to Stephen when he gets back that he's losing a great deal more than he realizes - and I'm not talking about the furniture...it sounds like I mean the furniture, doesn't it. Eh.

So, Monday I'll have pictures of my pad...I'll have to blog from work in the mean time until I get my internet connected next month. Good news: My appetite is back with a vengeance. I'm eating peanut brittle even as I type. Wish me luck tomorrow!

You'll just feel a little stick....

and then I'll suck your blood until you almost pass out....that's what the nurse at my doctor's office was thinking yesterday when she botched up my blood test.

She pricked me once on the left arm...then took one vial of blood (she needed 5)...while changing out the vials she accidentally pulls out the needle and just sticks it back in...there was blood dripping down my arm.

Dripping!

Then it started to pool under my skin and I got this puffy bruise thingy that was super gross and painful.

After said puffy bruisy thing made an appearance, she said we'd need the other arm...I thought, shit, if she only got one vial from this arm, and she still needs four more...where else will she stick me?

I wanted to leave...she said no.

She got everything she needed from the other arm but not without letting the needle slip out again toward the end and making me bleed all over the place...afterwards I had to wait in the lobby until my wounds stopped bleeding with my arms folded and elevated above my head....fucking embarassing.

On a brighter note, the doctor said I looked great and that I can have Ensure as long as I like...yay. Turns out I actually gained weight which is what I want. Don't hate.