I don't think I can do it...

Doin' Jack Shit Log: Day 5

I'm eating a big bowl of brown rice with soy milk, cinnamon, and agave...my hippie-I-have-a-gluten-sensitivity-and-seriously-need-more-fiber-don't-judge-me-biatchas breakfast...oh, and an apple tambien.

Tomorrow's my last day off on this long glorious string of days off...I don't know if I can go back...I won't! I WON'T GO BACK! But, I will.

So, I've been chatting with these guys online for a while now...let's call them Twing 1 and Twing 2...what? What did I say? No new guys on gay.com? Girl, you crazy, I don't know what you talkin' 'bout. She crazeh.

So, I actually met Twing 1 yesterday. He's cute but kinda goofy with a slight lisp and he has an extra old pair of chuck taylors like me. Total points for him. What? No, he doesn't have an old pair of granny boots also, bitch.

Sorry for the crazy dialogue but I miss the lunch crew so I have to fill in. It's how I cope.

As I was saying...We met for coffee yesterday and walked around San Pedro park...very nice. And, tonight he's coming over for dinner. I wonder if he's a good kisser.

Twing 2...recently broke up with his boyfriend a month ago...What? You're having deja vu? Why are you laying your head down on the table? Whateva.

So, he keeps asking me to come over late at night to "snuggle". But, I've never gone. There's a couple of things that are suspect.

1. He changed his Facebook status from "single" to "In a relationship, it's complicated"...sounds complicated to me...I asked him about it and he said the following, "I had to do it or my ex wouldn't have come to the intervention" INTERVENTION! What? I don't know where the sign is. Yes, I'll make one later and stop calling me Elizabeth.

2. Why does he want me to come over only late at night...and why doesn't he want to meet for coffee or something first. I think his boyfriend is gone for the day when he sends me those "snuggle calls".

Anyway, we made plans for tomorrow AFTERNOON and when I texted him this morning to confirm he said the following, "It would have to be late tonight". Hijole, ya me canse! Not to mention, I think his boyfriend or ex or whatever the case may be is a homocidal, twinkish, loser with a drug problem.

Oh yeah! You'll never guess... What? You were talking? Where are you going? Come back!

of Jewish Santas and Pastores in freezing temperatures...

I had a great time at Chris's over Christmas, I ate so much food! I was all empachado. We had tons of people there and children that were so cute and enchanted with the whole idea of Christmas. Muy nice.

Christmas Eve I went to a local shelter to throw a Christmas party for the residents...I went with members of my synagogue and the Rabbi played Santa. It was very interesting and as a matter of fact we made the evening news...they showed me singing Christmas carols...it was my bad side *mutters under his breath* Son of a bitch camera man.

I had a great time and I took "C" with me, he loved it. Although, I have to say his honking at the car in front of us at the shelter parking lot that turned out to be the Rabbi was priceless.

What else...tonight I went with my friend "M" to see Los Pastores at the San Jose mission. I'd never been to one but I thought it was very interesting. It's a play that reenacts an encounter with the devil and the shepards that went searching for Jesus on the night of his birth. It was outside so I froze my nuts off...we left at the intermission...the whole thing was in Spansh and "M" didn't understand a word of it.

Well, I'm off to bed...tomorrow's a big day...why? Because I get to sleep in and do jack shit all day long...by bitches.

No Day But Today....

I just finished watching Rent and I'm spent...I cried my eyes out. I love that musical. What I wouldn't give to see it on Broadway...I'd always remember it. Some day.

So I decided to send my brother some money. It wasn't much but it'll be enough to get him something to eat for a few days. When I talked to him this morning I could hear his teeth chattering and he said he was hungry. I don't care if he's lying and I don't care if he uses the money for beer...I had to do something. He's my brother and ultimately that means more to me than being chintzed out of 50 bucks.

He's okay for now...somehow he was able to get electricity going to the casita...don't ask me how.

So tomorrow is Christmas Eve and there's much to do! I'm headed to Chris's in the morning to help with the cooking for Christmas Day...then we're off to the SAMM Shelter to throw a Christmas party for the residents. It'll be great fun. We're going to arrive and start the party then after an hour or so, Santa is coming to drop off gifts! Who is Santa, you ask? None other than...that's right, you guessed it! The Rabbi!

I love it. A Rabbi bringing Christmas cheer to folks who would have otherwise had little or nothing for the holiday. I can't think of a better way to spend Christmas Eve.

I was almost tempted to pray for my brother. But, I didn't. Instead, I sent money and left the line of communication open. I let him know that I cared and that he could always call.

You know something? I want to go to Lamesa and make them all stop fighting. Then, I want to sit my family down in a warm dining room and serve a beautiful Christmas dinner and watch them eat and laugh and talk and be happy.

But, I can't do that.

SO, tomorrow, I'll go and spend Christmas Eve eating, laughing, playing, and singing with some one's brother, father, son, mother, sister, daughter, or partner...it's what I can do and it's a start.

Tikkun Olam - Hebrew for "To Repair the World". I hope I can make a dent in that endeavour before my life is out.

Calm down...

Okay, so I talked to my brother again last night and he agreed to stay in the casita that I own with my mother. It's not the best place and there are no utilities but at least he has a roof over his head.

I had time to think about it yesterday after I'd calmed down and I decided not to bring him to San Antonio...that was my plan. I want him to be okay but I don't think there's anything else I can do. I feel selfish saying it, but I have enough problems of my own and I don't have the wherewithal to fix anyone else's. I can barely keep up with my own life. Not to mention, I've tried several times in the past but to no avail.

Sounds like I'm trying to justify this to myself, doesn't it? It's a fucking shitty situation.

I hate this...

My big brother called me this afternoon to let me know that my mother kicked him out of the house. All of our relatives and friends have taken him in at one point or another in the past year and I've taken him in on three occasions...but it never works out. He's schizophrenic/ bipolar and has an alcohol problem. I thought about buying a bus ticket for him to come here (against my better judgement) but the closest bus station is 45 miles away in Big Spring. I suggested he stay in the house that I co-own with my mother until he can find something but he says it's in complete disrepair and he's afraid my mother will call the police and have him arrested.

So, he's spending the night in the Gazebo at North Park in Lamesa...the park where we used to have our church Easter picnics. It's going to be 38 degrees tonight and tomorrow it'll be 21...it's not right and I don't know what to do. It's Christmas and it's not right. I'll have to think of something.

Avatar oh Avatar....

I watched Avatar today with Gaymer...loved the movie. It totally is Dances With Wolves but with a pretty creative twist. I watched in 3D which was amazing...even though the 3D glasses kept sliding off my face because they were having to sit over my normal glasses...I wish they had those grandma terminator glasses that Chicken Little wears but for 3D.

And, I want to marry Sam Worthington for obvious reasons:

So, yesterday I had lunch with the ex. What he had for me was more stuff...specifically a wire that I need to make my speakers work. But, he forgot them at his apartment. It was a nice lunch and it was good to catch up with him. He's been working non stop because he's taking off a week to go to Denver to celebrate the new year there. And, that's about it. I told him about the farmer's market and how busy work has been...that was it.

I found that I was ready for the dinner to be over before he was and that I was slightly bored. He says he wants to get together again soon but I'm not going to call him...let him make the effort. He leaves to Austin in March, he said he found a cheap apartment in South Austin near the highway.

Our lives are taking such different paths, but he seems happy. And, I've really taken to this single thing and to all the new possibilities for my life. Still, I can't help but be a little sad about the whole thing. I'm sad but okay with it. Movin on....

Oh! I went to the Athiest party last night. I had a lot of fun and met some really fun people. "C" had a great time also and actually got a cute guy's number...the guy is supposedly str8 but I'm not buying it...I totally got the vibe from him. Not to mention, I got the stink eye from his mean looking Asian girlfriend. She didn't say much.

So many thoughts going through my head as a result of that party and from watching this movie...watch it ,bitches, and you'll see what I mean. I think people need to believe in something greater than themselves. I don't know what that is for me exactly. I do know what it isn't. The god of the bible is not my god. I don't believe he exists and if he did I certainly wouldn't worship him.

I'm still asking questions. I think I'll always have questions. Because I came out of the closet and was rejected by the religion in which I was raised, I was free to question everything. It's my right and I'll never give it up again.

"May I see your ID...

...because you look like a homeless person with that hair and I really don't think that's your debit card. By the way, I use Noxema also and don't you just love it?", said the gay cashier to me this afternoon at Wally World...not with his words but with his facial expressions. I swear it.

You be the judgmental judge:

Yeah, I was all dejada at The Farmer's Market and Wally World today...however, I'm going to fix myself up real nice for tonight's Festivus Party...I wonder if they'll let me take pictures. It's the first time I've gone to a meet up for this group, San Antonio Athiests. It's also for agnostics and free thinkers which sounds a bit vague to me but what the hell there'll be booze and a Festivus Pole and airing of grievances and feats of strength...which I'm sure will involve me being lifted by all the hot athiests.

The winner goes home with me.
Actually, I'm taking my friend C, the one with one arm and a bright future. So, technically he gets to go home with me.
I can't wait.
What else, what else...I think that's it...oh yeah
My ex called me the other day out of the blue and wanted to come over and catch up...I said we could have lunch out today instead...weird right? He said he had something I needed...could it be my fucking heart put back together, you cold son of a bitch? No, you say?
Something I need, something I need.....money? A sense of direction for my life? A new attitude? Milk? More Noxema (because you can never have enough)?
We'll see.
Oh, and I went out with the short electrician last night and had a great time...it was the bee's knees...we didn't make out or anything but I have dinner plans up my sleeve for the week after Christmas *rubs hands together ominously* mwuahahahaha! He's so damn cute and has such blue eyes and such blonde hair and such nice forearms...we've covered the forearm thing, right? Don't judge me.
I'll leave you with pictures of the glass blower and the drumming circle from the Farmer's Market...no pictures of actual veggies though. Go figure.

Wee little babeee....

I want a baby. I don't know that I want to raise children yet. But, I want a baby.

I want a baby like the one I got to hold this morning. All smiles and coos with brown almond eyes and hair like silk.

We had a family in today that really needed help and there were kids everywhere...well behaved kids who craved attention.

Which got me thinking about being a parent. I can't imagine what that's like. To look at another person's face and see yourself. My cousins have children and they say that it's a love they never felt before.

I can't imagine what it's like.

Will I ever raise children? Who knows. I certainly am not in a place to do that now....not by a long shot. I never thought I'd worry about time running out, but sometimes I feel that way.

Also, I'm amazed at how generous people are this year....we've collected more toys for our Christmas party than any year before! In this recession, puta! Today was a total feel good day for me :)

How to roast an Agnostic Mexijew...

leave the back burner of your gas stove on low, with no flame, for over 24 hrs.

This could have been so much worse...I don't really want to think about what would have happened if it had been on high...no more me, that's what.

I'm not ready for oblivion just yet. Not to mention, I'm not ready to take all of my neighbors with me.

Le Sigh....

I converted to Reform Judaism a year ago in February. I'm very happy with my decision. I'm also agnostic. I don't have enough to go on to say that I believe in God and I can't prove that he doesn't exist. I'm very much at peace with this for now...who knows what my life will teach me in the years to come.

I've written about a certain someone on this blog. I call him Smokey. Smokey and I had an instant rapport when we met and every date after that has been great...and he's a great kisser. A few days ago he called me and asked if I wanted to come over and hang out with him and his friends...I said, "of course!". Everything was going well. I liked his friends and they seemed to like me except for the bitchy queen. There's always one anytime the gays congregate.

Then he asks me to accompany him on the balcony while he smoked a cigarrette. Once we were outside and the door was closed he turned around and said, "I don't know what to do with you". He said he really liked me and that I was a great guy and that he felt torn about the fact that I didn't believe in Jesus as my personal Lord and Saviour. He was also afraid, that if we dated, I'd meet his father and say something about religion that would offend him.

Long story not so short, we called things off because I'm not a "believer". I'm an agnostic Jew who has a real beef with Evangelical Christianity. What can I say? I wonder if I should even mention this stuff during dates and if so, when? But the last thing I want is to wait too long, fall in love, and then be spurned for the reasons mentioned above.

What's a Jew to do?

By the way, I'm sooooo lusting after that box of Samoas that someone left in the break room. I'm pretty sure they like me back. I may have to commit cookie adultery.

Happy Hannukah and Shabbat Shalom!

I had a nice quiet night at home today. I forgot how nice it can be to spend the evening on my own. Since the breakup, I've been dreading doing just that almost every night.

Not tonight. Tonight, I lit my Hannukah and Shabbat candles, recited the kiddish, and recited the motzi...I went all out for Shabbat. I even bought a nice bottle of wine and had a glass while I ate my soup and watched "Billy Elliot"...love that movie and the kid's all grown up now...woof!

I'm all mellowed out. It's the candlelight, the wine, and freedom of spending my Friday evening how I damn well please. I think I'll read a little and head to bed now. I have a busy day tomorrow :) I'm hiking with Gaymer tomorrow morning at Eisenhauer Park, then I've got the JOTT (Jews On The Town) Hannukah Party in the evening and then a hot date with Smokey after that. I love it.

I've included a picture of my Hannukah/ Shabbat table for your enjoyment...also one of my new menorah. It's the first night of Hannukah so it's not fully lit. Hannukah oh Hannukah....

yum yum

Yay lentils with onion and sausage for dinner...so good. AND, I found The Book of Lost Things which I've been reading all day...may finish it tonight. :)

Of fruit flies and hot toddies...

which by the way kick ass...the hot toddies I mean. That shit hit me like a ton of bricks in the best way last night...and, turns out, I like whiskey. I guess I'm just manly like that.



Of course I could have had this hot toddy if the other one hadn't worked:

But it worked so I decided to pass....

Why the hot toddies? Because I have a cold from hell. You know I found that if you cry, you're sinuses clear up super fast. So, tonight I watched Broken Hearts Club (Zach Graff is one good looking Jew) and Big Fish. I cried my eyes out AND blew everything out of my nose but the kitchen sink.

Also, today I had lunch with Gaymer who I THOUGHT was a medical student but who is in fact working on getting a PhD in Bio Medical Engineering from the UTHSC. Anyway, so he is very tall and very cute...we had lunch at Cool Cafe. He's very laid back and calm. The breakdown:

1. Has never been to a gay club

2. Has a lot of Jewish friends

3. Has a very pretty smile and nice hands and forearms (I happen to look at a man's hands and forearms. Shut up.)

4. Works with fruit flies and has to dissect the larvae using microscopic scissors.

5. Is from Northern Louisiana

6. Wants to go out again on Tuesday to see The Road.

All in all I had a good time.

For the record, when I said I was going to slow down on the dating thing I meant looking for new guys...I'm still going to go out with these fellers...especially Gaymer and Smokey. I'm taking Smokey with me to the Alamo Draft House on Wed for the screening of the Glee Sectionals thingamajig. Then, after a Hannukah party at the Rabbi's house on Saturday, we're making an appearance at The Candlelight where I hope to run into the old ladies in drag, my goal being to take a picture with one of them which I will most assuredly post on this blog...I wonder if I have to tell her that?

Well, I'm off to rub vicks vapor rub on my nostrils and then go to bed. I hope I'm at the ass end of this cold. Although, I kinda like that I sound like Louise Jefferson...all raspy and smokey.

The envelope please....

*drum roll* and the snow goes to................everywhere else but San Antonio. I saw some flurries earlier but that was about it. No one believes me.





Now, the sun is out and has burned up my hopes for a snowy Friday. Well, Shit.





So last night I met another guy, we'll call him Smokey because he likes to smoke. Smokey is 6ft 2in tall :) He's very cute and has a infectious smile. He's very funny and sweet. We met at Sbux yesterday evening at 6:00 pm and talked until 11:00pm. I was there with him for 5 hrs and it felt like we'd only been there a little while. We have chemistry, he seems to be a really nice guy, he's good looking, and he's fun to talk to. However, some things I should take note of:





Our conversation turned candid pretty quickly. Next thing I knew I told him about my bipolar disorder and he told me about his drinking problem. Funny thing is, it wasn't awkward at all.



You know, amidst the dates and the chatting and the gushing and the having sex (once), I lost sight of the road I embarked upon when I broke up with Stephen. I decided that I wouldn't date and that I'd focus on getting my affairs in order so I could move on with my life already.



Oh the maze that is the mens, a girl could get lost if she's not careful. I have two dates left. Gaymer (6ft 4in med student) and Glamour Shot (30 yr old short hispanic that's kinda cute). After that I'm turning in the towel on dating for the time being.



I've been thinking about it since lunch...I really do have a lot, and I mean a lot, of shit to catch up on. Sometimes, I don't know where to begin. I guess getting rid of some distractions and making some lists is a start...

It's like a sauna in here...

Okay, it's been cold here in San Antonio. Don't laugh. It's true. We're big sissies when it comes to cold. Sometimes, though, it gets ridiculous.

Like today.

I walked into work this morning where I was met by a wall of heat. Turns out, someone turned the thermostat in the lobby up to 80.

80 fucking degrees. WTF?

So what, we have Amazon tree frogs on the payroll now?

Not only that, but we're in a recession, putas! I don't know who it was but when I find out I will do nothing. Because I'm already cooling down and it IS kinda of cold and snow is coming on Friday and I'm scared. That's why.

We live. We hope. We remember.

I just got back from the World AIDS Day service for San Antonio. I'm excited because this is the first time that San Antonio's faith community as well as other business and organizations have come together for one service. The mayor even made today an offical city holiday (yay, Mayor Castro!). How fucking awesome is that?

We got to hear from 8 different faith leaders in the community including a Muslim congregation, Unitarian Universalist Church, Temple Beth El (Yay, Rabbi Bergmann-Van), The Mennonite Church, The Pagan community, The Catholic Church, and The Metropolitan Community Church.

I held a candle for Jose and placed it with everyone else's candle. At the end, it made a red ribbon on the floor. The theme of the event was hope. One of the speakers said that hope is personified in each of us. I believe that. I think that, even in the face of this disease that we've been helpless to stop so far, we can refuse to forget and fight to keep hoping. We can assert our humanity even as it's threatened.

Last year, I wrote an article for the citizen journal project at WOAI about my friend Jose. I wrote toward the end of the article that AIDS killed Jose, but it never took his life. In the article I called him Nate...but I want to use his real name today. I want to remember Jose. Because he lived, I refuse to forget. Because he lived, I insist on hoping.